18 Sep 2004

of russian roulette

Posted by doesitmatter in General | 3:48pm


when u make love to me, its like u reach in and grab my soul, my fears, my desires and dreams. i know sex baby. this is too much more and some times i cant bear it.                                                 
saying this she left to find herself, i have my own journeys ahead. something about this song that reminds me a lot of her.                                             
In aankhon ki masti ke,
In aankhon ki masti ke mastaane hazaaron hain
Mastaane hazaaron hain
In aankhon se vaabasta
In aankhon se vaabasta afsaane hazaaron hain
Afsaane hazaaron hain
In aankhon ki masti ke
Ek tum hi nahin tanha,
Ek tum hi nahin tanha ulfat mein meri rusva
Ulfat mein meri rusva
Is shaher mein tum jaise
Is shaher mein tum jaise deewaane hazaaron hain
Deewaane hazaaron hain
In aankhon ki masti ke mastaane hazaaron hain

what is it about russian roulette that has fascinated me from my early teens i wonder. you have only two options, you either die or you laugh at death. one things for sure, theres an intensely orgasmic satisfaction in playing hide and seek with death.       



Current Mood: Feeling Better
Current Music: in ankhon ki masti

1 Aug 2004

Living dead

Posted by doesitmatter in General | 12:33pm


I am really pissed off, most people think I have lost it, I know have streaks of madness in me but they know apeshit about my streaks, what they are referring to is something else altogether, everybody I speak to (except for him, ofcourse we work together and he has a certificate to prove he's lost it) thinks that I am taking too much risk, some even want me never to meet them because the cops must be on my heels already and after eliminating me in an encounter will go after them because they were associated with a terrorist who was trying to understand and present the predicament of a community.

I am told by reliable sources it won't be very difficult to prove that I was actually involved with terrorist organizations intent on bombing poor civilians. Snoopy people cannot be tolerated and am curious as hell, comes naturally, allright I do get carried away and might learn more than I need to, but to be threatened with elimination?

For instance I recently discovered that we have an active cell in RAW which specializes in counter terrorism of a unique kind, after communal riots and large scale mayhem, the survivors are obviously smarting for revenge, what better time to identify the potential terrorists? The cell then swings into action, fanning out as recruiting agents for the various terrorist organizations looking for potential recruits, any one who's eager to avenge his sister's rape or mothers killing or is even sympathetic to the cause of revenge is identified and filed. Next time a chief minister is in trouble or an important promotion is round the corner a successful encounter will clinch the deal for you, the list of sympathizers is a ready reference just for such times.

Do I know too much already? Hmm probably not but I must watch my ears and remember to shut them before I find out too much. Well I was sharing this bit with an upstanding member of our society, an industrialist, a family friend and until a while ago someone I looked up to, he promptly shut his ears and told me not so subtly that if responsible people like him stand by me they risk harassment after my elimination. In other words my elimination is a foregone conclusion and I am making life difficult for other upstanding members of our society, I must think of a way to ensure that others don't get into trouble on my account he said sagely. He even added that others might not even want to meet me in their offices. Which world am I living in? Mr. Moore you are goddamned lucky u are an american, u can take bush's ass and mint millions, poor tejpal didn't know what hit him when he broke the defence scandal, poor guy, he went to sleep dreaming of glory...i am told hes survived and thats reassuring for the moment. yea right, I am not too practical, infact I am downright naive, but hell I don't know how else to live.



Current Mood: Worried
Current Music: chingari koi bhadke

31 Jul 2004

Of me

Posted by doesitmatter in General | 6:26am


wait
just a moment in time
freeze
the movie in your mind
put aside the whispers
filter out the doubt
look into my eyes
ignore the muted shout
don't you wish to melt away?
into the golden sun?
don't you want to whisk away,
and have a little fun?
aren't you sick of pain
and fear inside your life
all I know inside of me
I want you as my wife
I'm tired of the race
I'm ill with blank disgrace
I want the world to leave us be
I want the world to set us free
take my hand and smile
you can let those tears fall
I'll make it worth your while
and always give it all
through good and bad I'll love you
through thick and thin I'll stay
from the blinking of the sun
to the fading of the day
and in the night I'll hold you
until the sun appears
I'll take away your sorrows,
and cast away your fears
so let our love combine
and let our spirits soar
just take my hand within yours
and I'll love you evermore



Current Mood: Mooney
Current Music: kabhie kabhie

30 Jul 2004

Of her

Posted by doesitmatter in General | 5:07pm


She walks alone at night.
Trying to figure out why it's so hard to fight,
Why she has always tried to suppress the thoughts in her head,
the ones that wish she was dead.

It seems that all was cold and dark along that path to her heart.
It seems that no one could see through the mask,
could see the hidden struggle
and everything goes back to the start

The beginning when all fell apart
the time when all broke down,
and the tears could not be heard,
but the pain lingered on,
gasping for air as it sucked all joy from her heart.

She could not even whisper her longing to be held,
her longing to forget,
her longing to be heard and loved.
She could not even face her own body,
her own face as she woke.

She was alone
She was alone because no one would ever know what made her cry,
and die and turn to ashes inside.
Because the silence was her only hope,
her mask of joy.

To understand -
She lost herself that day.
She lost all trust.
It was too much for her small heart to take,
too much for her small mind to forget.
Can it ever go away?

wont it?

depends on us aint it, it will take us down as much as we allow it to. The more we hide the more it envelops and overwhelms. Damn, the fear of letting go.

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: Neela aasman so gaya

28 Jul 2004

When You Are Old

Posted by doesitmatter in General | 11:44am


When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
                                            Yeats

he already said it better than i could and this mood thing is irritating, goddamn, i might not want to tell what my mood at the moment is.



Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: unsent - alanis

26 May 2004

curtains

Posted by doesitmatter in General | 8:08am


Time to retreat into silences

Current Mood: Itching For One
Current Music: doesnt matter

25 May 2004

conversationist

Posted by doesitmatter in General | 9:12am


afternoon, fading ennui
thoughts of impending eve
a moment of inSpiration,
lets chat As if there were company.
your words, sleepy saLiva,
run down smooth and effortless
cupped hands of mine maneuver
dripping droplets alreAdy dreaming
of nosTalgia. dare i interrupt the flow.
oh no! don't ask as If you expect an answer.
dancing eyes and drugged fOre lip
my words are false.
i said doN't ask.
oh, you insist! well, this is the way it is.
i hAng on to every word of yours
twisting, turning, memorizing
and wheN you insist, i repeat them
inverted, subverted, meaninGless groans,
and hearing your own wordS
thrown back aT you,
you yelp in ecstasy. soul mates!
you cry; soul mates!
in salvation anxiety,
dead donne did defeat death
eliott left his head on the platter
and sade made friends with the mermaids
and they left us to dribble letters and
to derive games out of words
this is no comparison,
you are heavenly if it comes to that.
yes i mean.
sanity and spotting moon and fading afternoon.
i see the impending eve.
your words now embedded,
composed to music.
now our conversation becomes animated.
my memory fails now and then.
and your words thrown back at you
take you by surprise
no more mere groans.
some of them i mean.
a hint of fear!
let me console. fading ennui. impending eve.
warm hug and meaningless words of sanity.
lets talk then, you and I.
you first. I'll hang on to your words.
I am a good conversationist.
as if there were company. afternoon, fading ennui

Current Mood: Thoughtful
Current Music: silence must be heard - enigma

24 May 2004

to be or to be

Posted by doesitmatter in General | 9:42am


sitting on a cross road precariously hanging for my dear life, what to be is the question that stares at me. I could be a modern artist, living on the wall looking at life lived by others, feeling with them, feeling for them yet remaining untouched by the emotions, dont misunderstand me but i can cry for humanity, only. as for me i am the artist, immune from lifes cares. i will emerge from my crevice every once in a while to see your cheerful face, i do need it you know, but dont hold my hand for too long, for then i will notice your open mouth as you eat and the warts on your ass, they can be ugly from a perspective, was i cruel, oh i dont mean to be, see i told you i am fucked up and best when in my den puking out profound observations. Isn't creating art the artists holy duty? Or should i be the son, the farmer, the father, the lover, giving up the global perspective for the human touch? yes i will have warts too, make loud noices when i eat with a open mouth, make corny passes as you walk with a lazy gait. a character with frailities but a living breathing figure and a bundle of emotions. to be or to be?

Current Mood: Itching For One
Current Music: i am the sinner iam the saint